Shorty #9 – Fuck Up

Care is put in,

Effort is made,

Crafted by love,

I fuck it up.

Compassion and care,

Heart and soul,

My true love,

I fuck it up.

Her eyes and smile,

Lit with excitement,

A night just for me,

I fuck it up.

Everything was perfect,

It all fell apart,

Her heart was crushed,

I fucked it up.

Another tear fell,

Another night ruined,

More added tension,

I fucked it up.

I’m not sure why I keep fucking up. Maybe I’m truly just an asshole. Maybe she’s better off without me. Maybe I’m not good enough for her. All these things I wonder when I fuck up.

Am I just stupid. Can I get out of my own way. Will I ever be able to be the man that she deserves. The thoughts race through my mind in times like this.

Countless days and nights I’ve spent, sad and alone. Not physically alone, as she is always here with me. She says she’ll never leave. But now I’m alone. Alone emotionally. Alone mentally. Feeling as though I was I just dumped by a girlfriend.

But it’s worse than that. She’s my wife. And I die inside when I mess up. I can visibly see the happiness leave her body. Her eyes get watery and dark, her face transitions from the warmest smile to sad and broken women.

I can’t blame her. I crushed her. Months of saving money, and heartfelt plans, just thrown away because of me. And there’s nothing I can do now.

I could everything before hand. The entire night was set and ready to go. All I had to do was not fuck up. And like clockwork. I did.

I ruined it.

I ruin everything.

Moments like this I can see her walking away from me. Finding someone as perfect as she is. She won’t find someone who lovers her like I do. But maybe she would find someone who doesn’t break her heart as much as I do. And maybe thats worth it for her.

It’s always different. Each fuck up. I try to recognize and learn from them. But I find a new way each time.

I just hope that I can find a way to fix myself before it’s too late.

Before she walks away for good.

Before she decides to find better.

In my heart and mind I do everything I can for her. To make her happy and proud to be my wife on a daily basis. I think I do a good of that. But it is all for nothing when a beautiful moment comes and I ruin it.

She may never see this. But I hope she knows that I’ve always meant well. I hope she knows I try to do the right thing.

I hope she knows how much it hurts me, when I hurt her.

There’s no pain worse than taking the smile away from the women you love. Especially when it was the last thing you wanted.

I just hope that I can be better.

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